You, you, you.

It's not about what I want, it's about what I deserve. But..why does it feel like this is what I've been waiting for, what I've been suffering for what I've dreamt of. It's all finally coming true for me, but the only problem is, when I pictured this moment. I Pictured you, noonelse this is why it feels so strange, this is why I pull away and have second thoughts. If I could go on and think that I could ever get over you. Do you know how hard it is, to look at you, 5 steps away from me and I can't do ANYTHING about it, I wanna keep you sheltered from the cold and hold you till it's dawn. I might not be inlove with you anymore, but I do still love you.

I Can't Stand Knowing Your Hurting Over Me Anymore.

Capricorn and Leo love compatibility
Ordered, organized Capricorn neither understands nor approves of Leo's exuberant impulsiveness. Leo forgives and forgets; Capricorn being the one who is slow to anger and seldom forgets. The Leo supposes that the Capricorn is full of love and spends it too economically. The Capricorn for his/her turn is also not the best partner for the Leo because of his/her poor imagination. The Capricorn is much more passionate in bed. They not fit each other in the bedroom. They are both representatives of independent signs of the zodiac that inclined to dominate in everyday life. These two are almost complete opposites and in case of a love affair their distinctions can appear insignificant, but in case of marriage they will never be happy together.

Capricorn and Sagittarius love compatibility
Unless Sagittarius can clip their wings a bit, there is strong warning against this combination. The Capricorn loves making love in some certain places while the Sagittarius is ready to do it everywhere. The Capricorn is cautious and conservative. He/she always worries about safety. The Sagittarius is a careless and irresponsible player. The Sagittarius will be irritated by the close-fisted Capricorn. Their sex life is very apt to be frustrating for both parties, although Sagittarius will feel this more keenly than Capricorn. This is not the best connection, and will end up as unsuccessful marriage in the future.

Capricorn and Pisces love compatibility
The Pisces will probably try to cheat on the Capricorn, because it is in their character, but the Capricorn is able to cope with it and will be the leader in bed. The Pisces will soon decide to follow him/her. The Pisces are affectionate and sincere creatures and can make the Capricorn's life full of joy. Capricorn provides a ballast for Pisces's drifting dreaminess and supplies the stability that Pisces needs and admires. And there's nothing Capricorn likes better than being admired. These very different people supplement each other emotionally. It is a good combination with complimentary values. They will find comfort in one another providing Capricorn displays his/her emotions at least once in awhile. There is very good forecast for these relationships.

Why.

Why do you do this.. Why do I let my heart go through this for you, over and over. When I said Forever, I meant it. Before it's too late.

My everything.

DON'T FUCKING DO THIS TO ME. I SWEAR IT'S BECAUSE OF YOU GUYS THAT'S STOPPING ME FROM BEING HAPPY. EVERY TIME I GET CLOSE, I PULL MYSELF AWAY CAUSE I THINK OF YOU. I LOVED YOU GUYS AT ONE POINT, YOUR IN MY LIFE I WANNA KEEP IT THAT WAY, BUT THE PAST IS THE PAST, U WANTED TO GET RID OF ME , GRATS. NOW PLEASE, JUST APPRECIATE WHAT WE HAVE NOW, LET THE PAST GO I CAN'T HANDLE THE STRESS ANYMORE. for once in my life I'm happy, don't take this away from me. No one will.

The big ONE-SEVEN.

So Guys, it's my Birthday. I'll let you know how it goes tonight. Hahaaaa : )

HAHA SOOOOO let me tell you about my day :D, I got woken up at 8am by jess HAHA but s'all good I was about to wake up soon anyways shes coool. Unbelievable even on my birthday I wake up walk outside, look at my mother in the eyes and wait for her to say somthing. Her first response was " WHY ARENT U WEARING SOCKS" "UR GONNA STAY SICK" blahblah like jeez mom THANKS FOR GIVING BIRTH TO ME TODAY, whatever thats why I treat this day like any other normal day, aint nothing special. Anyways didn't get nothing from them I had to OWE THEM back from before, yeah thanks for nothing, whatever. then I went to go pick up my paycheck woohooO! finallyyy now I have to go pay back some my&em's debts with it, yay =.= LOL soo work was soooo dead, started at 12, big CEO was coming to visit our store so everyone HAD to be on there A game, I literally hid in the back for like 3 hours LMFAO DOING NOTHING god prob best shift ever, untill they left and Steff was on my ass to keep working =( bitch, even on my birthday I cant get a break. SOOO after I finally got off work & went to dinner with Alessia, Kristin, Joanne, Momita, Kaylin, Charlie & Kyle. It was totally unplanned by I honestly had a better day than I expected, I was just gonna go home after work and sit and chill this was so much better =) thank you guys! & for everyones birthday wishes. The only dissapoitments I ever got today or ever since it hit midnight, was I was especially hopeing for a special birthday wish from 2 ppl, didnt get it. Still havnt, but it's alright. Whatever aint a big deal. Overall thank you jo for the birthday present I love it SO much I always wanted it. Thank you momo for buying me a drink ; ) teehee and thank you Kyle for covering my dinner! I owe you guys :D . Anyways, I'm gonna go chill and relax for the rest of the night, call up ____ & ____ tonight : ) hehehee. <3

Capricorn; Horoscope of the Day.

Now is the best time to think about change -- though not necessarily for putting it into effect! Make sure that you're considering all of the possibilities of what is likely to happen.

hmm.

Why won't you be my blue skies,
So I can be your sunshine,
You'll be my horizon,
I'll come to you every night,
I want you to be my moonlight,
I will be your night-time,
My life would be so dark,
If you didn't shine so bright (Bright),
Forever yours,
Girl I'll be forever yours,
For you I'll trade it all,
This is too good to ignore,
Forever yours,
I wanna be forever yours,
I hope you don't make any plans,
We got a future to explore,

Lets go to a place,
Far away,
Where we could stay together forever and ever,
A place far away,
Where we could stay,
Together Forever and ever,
I'm yours, I'm yours, I'm yours, I'm yours
Forever and ever I'm yours,
I'm yours, I'm yours, I'm yours, I'm yours
Forever and ever I'm yours. (8)

What is this?!, fucking a Walk down memory lane or somthing?! get OUT of my HEADD ugh.

Maybe I never will.

Once upon a time, we swore not to say goodbye
Something got a hold of us and we changed
Then you sat alone in pride
and I sat at home and cried
How'd our fairytale just end up this way

no need to call my phone cause I changed my number today
a matter fact, I think i'm moving away (away)
sorry, the frustrations got me feeling that way
and i just keep having one last thing to say
and i just wanna hold you,
touch you,
feel you,
be near you,
i miss you baby baby baby..

i'm tired of tryin to fake through, but there's nothing I can do..
girl I can't wait to hate you..
I can't wait to hate you make you,
pain like i do.. still can't shake you off..
I can't wait to break through these, emotional changes..
seems like such a lost 'cause
I can't wait to face you,
b r e a k y o u,
down so low there's no place left to go..
I can't wait to hate you.. baby..
I can't wait to hate you..

I'm not saying I regret my decision, I won't lie Its like a load of stress just washed away. There are some benefits, I don't have to constantly worry or contemplate whens the next time I get to see and talk to you or when our next fight would be. I was willing to handle all that over and over again. The only thing is, I gave up and sometimes that takes a lot more strength then to hold on I'm not saying I'm gonna run back to you, because I promised myself I wont let it be that way anymore, because apologizing would mean me admiting I was wrong, now I dont have a problem with that, however it'd be false accusation. If you really wanted me back in your life you would have stood up that day, or now. It's just a shame how everything ended the way it did, It made me really dissapointed and im not gon lie, girl you made me happy in a lot of other ways I miss talking to you, in a way you were like my bestfriend, my feelings just got in the way... I know how you are, and this is the end so I wont hope that maybe "someday" we can become friends again, I wonder everyday how your doing..I still tear over you at times, when I start to thinking,& unbelievable as it is I don't regret anything. sigh, babygirl<3.

"Pain is inevitible, Suffering is choice."

"It's sad when people you know become people you knew.When you can walkright past someone like they were never a big part of your life. How you used to be able to talk for hours. And how now, you can barely even look at them."

If I had One Wish..

bout your happiness, It's time I fucking get mines bitches. your all annoying. Fuck that shit, I'm not gonna live just to please others and make other people feel better about themselves anymore, espeacially when they can't pick themselves up. No matter how hard or alone and independant I have to be in order to succeed, I'll always get back up somehow on my own. I'll be happy again, oneday.

Fuck this shit, ain't got time for bitches whinning, focus on myself all I need is to work on my health, education & mind on $$$.

I couldn't breathe, I couldn't even look at you, because I know if I did I would n e v e r be able to look away. Incredible, she still has the power to make my knees weak and heart beat.

I'm pathetic. I'm officially confused about EVERYTHING I don't know what to do or say I don't even think I know who I am anymore. Why can't you just GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK, PLEASE.. *sigh ' her new found favourite tune is the one I gave her, but only because it's meant for him ' noone can help me, & I don't want it either. I just wan't for once, even if its just for one day. For you to understand me, to see you weren't the only one suffering, no matter how bad I feel, HOW I feel or what I do, it'll never be enough it'll never change anything & it'll never be noticed by who I want it to be noticed by. I'm not perfect, no where close It's impossible for NOONE to hurt you but if you find that one person you love with all your heart then no matter what they put you through, it doesn't matter because you know you'll pull right through it, because there worth it. I look at him or any of their ex's and I think 'the fuck, are you blind?' & yet they can get away with it with them being who they are, countlessly being forgiven without hesitaiton and the ones that who are trying with every last breath, gets ignored, brushed off and hurt. That's alright, I've held it in for this long, I think I can do it for the rest of my life.Why? because. I still, love you.

She's so quick to leave. All I want her to do is stay. If you say you regret me now..I'm gone..

j-reyez - passing me by

I'd dedicate my time when you were mine, just to see your smileI'd travel miles, worth awhile, just to be aroundand we would hang out, laying down, listening to musicPush things aside when you had problems just to help you through itYou'd help me too, my friends advice made me a better personBut you didn't support what I would do, you wanted things so perfectSaying I'm good at what I do but wouldn't make it farTo get a better job, for me to go and buy a car
You'd say I'm scrubby even though I made more money than youYou'd say I wasn't smart, you'd say that I would break your heartthe problem wasn't me, it was you with all your jealousyBut you would settle me, you brought out the best of meAnd let me add you're the one that made me really laughAnd smile but now it's back to what I do and that's all in the pastAnd when I'm out everywhere I'd go it's liek you're next to meLet's just forget it please, move on and just let it be
Shawty's got a brand new friendwho definitley treats her rightThere's no use to pretendI ain't hurting deep inside nowI can't even tripGotta learn to get a gripCus now I gotta lay in the bed That I was makingShawty's moving on with her life
She don't even notice meit's like im transparent in her eyesshe don't realizeI'm on the sideShawty's gotten over meBut she keeps on passing me byPassing me byPassing me by
Now I'ma tell you how I feel about the situationYou found a new, that's good for you, I say congradulationsYou don't gotta keep on talking about me trying to be the victimI'm sure you said a lot by now, aren't I out of ya system now?Just go on girl, why you gotta be so immature?Stop talking shit, just grow the fuck up, why so insecure?Doing it big, mom must be so proud of her daughter nowOh you're a model now? You like to go drink bottles down?
Posting pics, wanting attention but they don't notice shitYour ego's growing big, you're making money, now you're focusing?That's cool, go do your thing, but don't lie to the peopleJust to get some sympathy, you're pathetic, saying how bad I'd treat youYou'd talk and lie, you crossed the line when you said I beat youTry to find a guy who'd bus from cities just to fucking` see youFights we had you would be claiming that I started itI never really complained, I would explain and you would argue it
Shawty flip the page on a brand new chapterLeft me in the background, invisible like CasperNow I'm looking at her trying to saySomething to make her want to give me the time of dayThe way I used to play I gotta face itI was only setting up shop for my replacementNow the bed that I was making, now I gotta lay inShawty's moving on with her life
She don't even notice meit's like im transparent in her eyesshe don't realizeI'm on the sideShawty's gotten over meBut she keeps on passing me byPassing me byPassing me by
I ain't done yet, I still have a lot to say about youAre you having fun yet? It's too bad nobody talks about youI ain't scared to say it, if you're playing' all these games and shitAnyone can agree that my name is what got you famous bitchEverybody referred you as my girl, not cuz you're making hitsYou're not miss innocent or a victim, just stop faking itNobody really cares about your updates if you're drunk and tipsyTry to diss me, here's your response for even fuckin' with me
What? You miss me? Why's your facebook page a constant talk against meYou're dependent, trying to blend in, you're pathetic, stop pretendingthat's kinda fucked up how you lied and said I've even hit youYou make me sick and I'm so fed up, I don't even miss youI don't mean to diss you, little girl, it takes time to grow upHold up, gimmie a call when you decide to blow upStop contradicting yourself, I put up with enoughDo what you gotta do cuz I don't really give a fuck
She don't even notice meit's like im transparent in her eyesshe don't realizeI'm on the sideShawty's gotten over meBut she keeps on passing me byPassing me byPassing me by

Your Selfish.

I know I'm probably gonna regret this. I know I'm gonna hurt for months and I know I'm gonna cry for nights. However I know I've said this so many times that I'm getting over you, but just end up winded up back in your lap thinking we can try again. But no, not this time your so easily willing to walk away from me, thats your choice. Why would I chase after something that doesn't want to be caught. It gets to the point where I don't feel anything anymore, tears drop but I don't feel the ache. What I become next who I become, I'll have you to thank for that. So congradulations, you officially wrecked me, you wouldn't listen to me when I needed you, kept my mouth shut because I never wanted to upset you or argue, I can't be your lapdog anymore, I have needs and I have stress and not once were you ever there for me, I realize now, you weren't as important as I thought, cause I know I sure as hell weren't worth fighting for. I'll be too afraid to ever open up again, & I'll never want to put my everything into anyonelse. I loved you, I just wasnt inlove with you.

" your right, it's not the same. It can never be the same. "

Give up on my hopes and dreams, I just get dissapointment and excessive pain in the end anyways.

You were the love of my life.. You still are today.

Push me away, I won't move. Just try to Hurt me, I no longer fear pain. Don't Trust me, I'll Earn it. You Don't have to Believe in me, cause I would LOVE to prove you wrong. I'm not going anywhere this time, Mark my words " I will never leave you again.", I'm staying right here with y o u.

" we come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. "

to much Anger.

WOW. yesterday was such a good fucking day and I was actually starting to think things were actually shapeing up, I was starting to become a little happy FOR ONCE probably the 4th or 5th best day of my LIFE. however, nope whoops spoke to soon. Today was a total fuckin smaaaaack day 1. I didn't even want to get up for school because I was dead tired but I realized I might have to because theres a 80% chance there would have been an essay to be handed out & I didn't wanna fall behind so I went, Nothing was handed out fucking wasted my morning on this dumb bitch. 2. so much for my " no skipping for 1 whole week " vow , skipped the afternoon and I have a feeling I missed somthing important, my grades are slowly but drastically dropping & I cant commence this all over again nor anymore. 3. Like honestly FALL THE FUCK BACK I don't care who you are or who you think you are now if what your known for. Stay the fuck outta my business if I ever see you or hear you even if it's just a lil suspicion, you piss me off, you try to get me jealous & act up I will fucking cut you. 4. My "parents" no, they don't even deserve that title, THESE PEOPLE who fucking think they run me because they gave birth to me? KAY YEAH you made me, thanks for gods creations but you never RAISED ME. I fucking raised MYSELF so dont try that alright, saying how " oh I could have sworn were the parents and YOUR the child " WOOOOW really? you think so? you guys act more childish then fucking 4 year olds alright. I could have sworn the ONLY TIME YOU EVER SPENT CAREING OR LOVEING ME AND PHYSICALLY NURTUREING ME WAS WHEN I WAS IN YOUR FUCKING WOMB FOR 9 MONTHS ALRIGHT? fuck off you piss me off oh & daddy, stfu okay you dont work what are you good for, you dont support your family & you left us HOW many times? CAUSED US HOW MUCH STRESS AND GRIEF? HURT MOM HOW MANY TIMES? ALL THOSE FUCKING TIMES WHEN YOU MESSED UP AND EVERYONE WAS MAD AT YOU I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO STOOD BY YOUR SIDE AND NOW I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY. Believe or not I use to be daddys lil favourite, well that was oh lets say 10 years ago. Im old enough to see reality through my eyes and understand it properly now. & YOU GUYS THINK IM OVERREACTING AND BEING HARSH THEN YOU DONT FUCKING KNOW WHAT IVE BEEN THROUGH. & of course there's a lot worse things out in the world happening besides my bitching BUT THIS STILL MATTERS TO ME BECAUSE IT HURTS ME. that's why I don't like shareing "feelings" & bottle thhings up. It aint worth venting about.I have to express myself through blogspot, it's my only cure. You don't know WHO I AM So don't be extra nor put in your opinions I could care less. & you know what? I've officially found my motivation to go to school and do my best to have a great life financially and emoctionally I WILL NEVER let myself become you guys. & I will NEVER raise my family they way you never actually did for me, my brother? yeah at least he got his childhood they just forgot about the other child. Right, I can be just another teenage drama kid with my little personal issues crying for help. well fuck off, don't ask me than and dont judge me ya'll don't know shit. AND FINALLY 4. WORK and MONEY is becoming a fucking issue, I'm starting to think I'm gonna have to pick up a second job. Even when all this shit has happend today GAP JUST HAD to call me and cut my hours, AT THE MOST DESPERATE TIME OF NEED where I need cash you bitches go and cut my hours I DID NOT WORK AT ALL LAST WEEK and I have SO little hours this week my next 2 pay checks are gonna barely COVER ANYTHING at all. fuck I hate this shit UGH w.e imma go read a fucking book.

Your Different, It hurts. The hole in my chest, the stab in my heart the wound still exists and it's pounding more than ever only this time it's x30 worse, amazingly u n b e a r a b l e..

My First Love..

It's funny how my heart just won't let it go
I just don't understand
It's crazy how the pain seems to overflow
The memories of you here with me by my side
I can't deny that you are the love of my life

And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me

And I still cry for you
And I would die for you
I can't believe all the words I heard you say
And I still l o n g f o r y o u
And I was strong for you
I can't believe that you'd throw it all away .

LOOOOOOOOOOL this is how stupid our convos are

okay so me & erika both posted this up on our blogs cus it was too fkin hilarious LOL it really cheered me up.


Ιпfамоuѕ♪. bnguyen <3 ; says:
*i miss stealing coupons from sus
e r i k a NGUYEN says:
*LMAO I DID THAT TODAY
*oh fuck
*you just reminded me
*i put it in my shoe at work
*i forgot
*dammit, i think
*when ichanged my shoe
*it fell out
*='(
*='(
*FUCK KAY OMG LMAO
Ιпfамоuѕ♪. bnguyen <3 ; says:
*LMFAO
*HAHAHA
*FAIL
e r i k a NGUYEN says:
*OMGGG DAMMITTT LOLL
*it was a FREE REGULAR POPCORN
*LOL
*DAMMIT!
Ιпfамоuѕ♪. bnguyen <3 ; says:
* LMFAO
*UR
*SUCH A FAG
e r i k a NGUYEN says:
*i luv popcorn..
*LMAO
*im trying to help cong on his diet, so on break i didnt eat popcorn cuz he gets tempted
*i sacrificed
*butterpopcorn
*to help
*him
*its true love..
*LOOOLLOLOL
Ιпfамоuѕ♪. bnguyen <3 ; says:
*LMFAOOOOOOOOOO
*WOW
*REALSHIT
*THATS LOVE
*i never seen u give up food before dats fkin sacarfice right deree

check her out at http://erikaquach.blogspot.com =) don't creep though ; )

Two is Better Than One(8); Is it reallllllyy

Maybe its true, that I cant live without you
Well maybe two is better than one
Theres so much time, to figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And Im thinking two, is better than one.

It's okay I'm finally done. No I'm not giving you up, I'm just giving up on the belief of having 'the one' your 'soulmate' "LOVE" is officially just a myth to me. This isn't hatred, it isn't bitterness either, it's loneliness. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired being taken advantage of, hurting MYSELF for no good reason. Why? because I'm weak. & no, it's nothing she did or someonelse made me realize, It just finally hit me. Im young, I need to live my life I need to get myself on track focus on me. That's the only way I've always looked at it anyways right? looking out just for yourself, I truly believe if I give myself a chance to be happy, then maybe someday, it'll be the only way I'll ever make someonelse happy. & I'm not going to look at it from a point of me changeing necessarly, I'm just adapting and adjusting to survive REALITY so whatever it takes I'll make sure that someday I'll smile and it wont be fake and truly be happy, not because everythings 'perfect at the moment' but because I'll be happy with what I've accomplished and succeeded in life. Love? It can wait, can it not?. Besides you should never search for it nor wait for it. See an oppertunity grab it, however don't depend on it. People change, everyone leaves. " cherish the moments " -ac. " who want's to hold someone down in highschool anyways " - kh. These are all valuable perspectives I will consider for the present and the future, no more spending my time and money on people who don't even care. Then start contributeing to my own community. Maybe someday I'll get to know my family, and open up to my friends and love someone with everything I have. " When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to recieve something better." So far, all you've done is take, take, oh and take. What kind of play have you put on my life "God"?. " I'm not going to care about the people who don't care about me. & forget the people who've forgotten about me." Simple as that. Please don't ask me questions because I'm so done with talking and complaining about life, theres worse things happening in the world & all our teenage problems, eventually won't even matter once we get older. Were all depended on our own or atleast should be, we are responsible for what we become, for the people who get left behind? You Don't have time to keep slowing down anymore times moving ahead, and I need to focus on takeing a step forward, not 2 steps back.

"i wont hope so i dont get disappointed . i wont care so i wont have to worry . i wont love so i'll never get hurt. " - MT.

Lights Off (8)

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired
It's you that I'm missing
It's like my brain is wired up and there's a glitch in my system
You're like a drug and now my blood won't stop itching
I'm in critical condition someone let me out of this prison
it's like my mind is playing tricks on me
lately I could of sworn that you are still my baby
I'm on a merry-go-round going around, driving me crazy..(8)

Tôi không biet neu nhu tôi thêm kho so mà không có chi hay có chi.

MidKnight (8)

okay soo I went to first period today had a supply whoopiee did my homework half the fucking school wasn't here today because of their holy holiday. Second period got some work done but then loafted, lunch was fine the usual I didn't wanna go to class so I just skipped the rest of the afternoon, fuck I need to STOP skipping seriously, it's becomeing a huge hectic habit. *sigh anyways went home worked out then showered got ready decided to go pick up my cousin at weston c.i surprisingly, my other cousin made me wait like 30 mins cause my aunt was being a whore takeing FOR FUCKING EVER while I stood in the cold waiting for these bitchasses anyways then met up with her friend Jennifer we bussed to eglinton did some shopping : ) bday + xmas shopping & I won't expose them here because you'll see them IF YOU GET ONE :D anyways went to dinner at the keg. Finding gifts was the hard part I had no idea what to get but thank god I got it done! parted ways went on the bus this old asian woman who looked below averaged income sat infront of me, I felt this sudden heart drop, here I am with a bunch of expensive gifts that's barely nearly important while I could spend some change towards charity or the in need. I felt pretty dissapointed and then she spoke to me asking which station were going to next, I explained theres only 2 stops left before the train goes backwards, I even showed the map but she wouldn't listen she insisted were going westbound however we were on northbound but it was my stop & I was sure she'd figure it out eventually so I stopped bothering, waiting for the dam 165 I swear to buddha I seen like 3 busses go down the tunnel and never came the fuck back up -___- so finally one came I hopped on and now I'm home. I can't wait to wrap my presents >: ) I think thats so fun LOL loser? maybe. Do I care? not really. anyways off to do something productive of myself, goodbye.

Clueless .

The truth is, I'm scared of losing you. I'm so fucking scared. Whenever I hear about " what ifs " or oh " i heard this " even if its a joke or to see howd I react, I take it seriously it hurts me to think that you could ever possibly think there could be anyonelse out there that could ever do you better than me. You act cold, cruel and heartless towards me, why? Because I love you?. You brush me off and embarass me infront of my friends, they tell me that aint right, thats disrespect and I should have dropped you long ago, but the only thing I cared about was how your doing, or what's going through your mind. I know the way you behave arent taken into action without an acceptable reason behind it, however must I be punished for just careing & wanting to be there?. I don't want to lose you, I don't want to give up either, but how much more and how much longer can I keep taking all your hits. How much longer untill I'm pushed off this cliff back into the ocean Im considering giving up, I love you so fucking much and EVERYONELSE sees it but you, all these useless notes and blogs about my "feelings" the only person who I actually want and needs to know what I'm going through, never will. " She finally gave up. She dropped the fake smile, as a tear ran down her cheek, she whispered to herself, ' I can't to this anymore..'. " *sigh..Final chance..

You were like my own personal LOVESTORY.

2in1?

okay so bloggy was being a douche yesterday wouldn't load the page so I couldn't sign in so I'm going to talk about my day yesterday AND today. Fun huh? kay so yesterday was a bad start, got into an argument with my dad because I made a simple mistake while parking the car like fuck im not expert yet chill, then uh iuno classes was boreing, nothing exciteing happend really, skipped 3rd and sat in the library with Amanda.P heh LOLOL anyways I'm so fucking stupid, I don't know how but I must have left my drivers license somewhere and thank the fucking god someone was nice enough to bring it to the office and they called me down to get it! Jesus I'm so careless -_- I would have been so furious because I didn't even realize it untill they called me down. Rest of the day, went home usual routine. Breeendaaa Nguyeeennnn brightens my day :) I'm glad to have her in my life, like honestly its a huge difference don't know why or how or what it is about you but I'd probably be emo and depressed and stressed/frustrated as usual but you make it better just a bit & don't get me wrong that bit makes a huge difference. Baby's driving me crazy, don't know what I did wrong this time? but I'm starting to care less and less everyday, good thing? bad thing? whatever, I'll find out what mistake I've done THIS TIME -__-''. mm Todayyy went to go pick up my paycheck in the morning oh sweet baby jesus I'm so happy to have $$ again I was going crazy =( LOL went to school, boring classesss, now I'm home and I'm going to work out, shower then meet up with natalie then night school then out for dinner with natface : ), kbye.

Wow, I really do need to stop being so fucking whipped LOL -_- it's saddd but I don't wanna give up and change who I am the things I do for a little compassion and love in return. fml here comes the mood swings -_- fuck my fucking life sorry but I'm upset I havent got the chance to talk to you the Whole fucking weekend and your always busy with your school work & then when you are out and its with someonelse I get mad because why can't it be me? like wtf do I not count as a friend too or more then that hopefully. Whatever, atleast text me back and stop fucking ignoreing my calls its really annoying -.-, hate school even when I'm trying hard it's not getting me anywhere, heh, hate works either not getting enough or too much hours gotta stop letting all the little things bug me, someone bun me up! I could honestly really use a little release right about, 5 years ago.

You Gotta Let Love insideeee (8)

This weekend I stayed in all dayyy, which I don't mind I swear this must have been the first week in years where I stayed in all weekend besides going to work of course. lol, been really productive lately, I hope I can keep it up : ). Soo lets seeeee, Thursday drove baby & I to see new moon it was fun heh, Friday Stayed home I had some ear tantrums the earring like cut into my skin and I started bleeding blahblah long story went home and skipped the rest of the day and had work at 9, Saturday Stayed home again had work at 630, Sunday woke up did laundry, worked out, ate, did homework, did some online shopping then went to my work meeting at 830 it was fun I guess kinda fruity but it was cool, time passed by haha. Hm I hate it when baby doesn't pick up my calls or ignores them >: ( even if you are busy or sleeping goshhhh, On the other note It honestly feels so good to talk to her again, I honestly really did miss you there were ocassions where it was one of the reasons why I was in such emo mode . I still don't believe I could get it that easy that I'm easily that forgiven, then again maybe it is possible to just continue life, but keep things the same as much as possible, I promise no more lies Imma make up for all the times I've missed out on everything you've had to go through without me, I ain't going nowhere this time s2 emgai.

Of course I'd get fucking Jealous over that it's ME for christ sakes, shit girls are so UGH sometimes -.-'' hate it when it always turns around on meeeee FUCKERSSS! *fists*

I've never felt so more alone in my life up untill this week. Don't know, been getting these mysterious feelings lately, As if something I should be looking out for as If something tragic is about to hit me. It's like Anger, Jealousy, Deceit, Happiness, Loneliness, Love and Fear are all jumbled and has sunk and ducked inside my stomach to the bottom of my core. It's aggitateing and it's like a suspense feeling one where you can't wait to see what happens but your senses are clouded, blank slate & you have no idea what's about to pop out infront of you and slam into your face. It worries me. However there are other things that have been keeping me dissapointed I assume, Feels like I have nobody left, everyones gone onto there own little worlds & noone makes an effort to keep eachothers friendship abundant. Whether that be because of boyfriends, girlfriends, partying, drinking or going out, new ones enter old ones are left under. I don't know I never would have complained before, I'm use to just being me on my own doing my thing but it's just sad because what I've expected to happen & what I've predicted to happen, is happening. What a shame. It's okay it's better off this way, I'm not down to talk about feelings and problems anymore. I wan't my life to start, my happiness to unveal.

I don't wanna fight this war anymoreee (8)

You know it kills me to be the person I am sometimes. I wish I wasn't so emoctionally available sometimes, I wish I didn't have to be afraid to ask who your with, who your talking to or what's on your mind. However because of the situation were in, I am limited to the things I can ask about. ugh I can't even say I'm angry or I'm sad or I'm hurt or even when I'm jealous which is often because I have no recollection of what your up too. *sigh It gets really, realllyyyyyy hard with each day that passes by every week its like a new mood we're good & happy and then something happens or I feel this slight doubt and it blows up & we ignore each other for 5 days. Is it always going to be like this? I hope not. I've been thinking about our conversation last night, all dayyyyyy todayy.. I would love to bring you but I don't think thats the case for you. It really hurt but I didn't say anything..but I wonder, if HE asked you..would you say yes?.. I can't stand this How much longer? " she finally gave up. she dropped the fake [ smile ] as a tear ran down her cheek she whispered to herself I can't do this [ a n y m o r e ]. Please don't leave me to be that person at the end, and the funny thing is, you wanna know what I think? Have you ever really thought about it?...there's this girl, she'd do anything for you, & for SOME reason, you dont want to see it BUT you know it's there..& you know she's P E R F E C T for you, & THAT scrares the HELL out of you. Doesn't it.?

CONTINUATION

I just realized something. When I saw you today, I was so mesmerized it was like dejavu remincseing the first time I saw you. 11 months ago, God how gorgeous I think you are, It made me remember how and why I fell in love with you in the first place and as I was waiting for you after nightschool today, sitting and wondering to myself & I felt tingly and it was like my stomach was in knotts and baby, did you know I still get butterflies from talking and even seeing you? haha after all this time you still make my legs jitter and my h e a r t r a c e I love that feeling, It was like I fell for you ALL OVER AGAIN.

UGH

WELLLLLLLL I woke up 10 minutes later then my usual alarm should have gone offfff, called baby right awayyy and then rushed to get readyy I had to skip breakfest boohoo & which btw made me grumpy and hungry during the whole morning sigh. Umm School was boreing, I've been skipping a lot lately so I'm not use to getting up early in the morning and just sitting there while my brain melted I learn absoloutely NOTHING I swearrrr. So hmmm finally after that tortoure was done and over withhhhhhh I went home played some games and called baby to wake her up at 5 from her nap so she could get ready for night school =) her bb was being a douchee. Went to go wait for her @ Emery and walked her to class <3 Then I bussed home she put me in a really good mood =) then only to find my parents had old people= "company" over. I went straight to my room and being the ignorant and naive stupid bitches they are what do I hear? THEM talking shit about me. EVERY FUCKING TIME I don't know if this is like a fkin asian parent retardism or some defect but are you fucking stupid to talk shit about your child and ESPEACIALLY when I can fucking hear you. You think Imma just sit here and take it in? are you blem? I'm not the fucking little kid I was anymore, alright I'm a young adult and you better start realizing that I'm different and I thank GOD everyday that I'm NOTHING like you. Fuck your shit, you run your mouth I won't just sit and pretend to ignore it I walk downstairs and guess what? they got nothing to say now, room is dead silent tryna talk all sweet and shit. Yeah, thats what I fucking thought. Shut your fucking mouths before I deck you in your ugly teeth. YOUR fucking faces just ruined the happy mood baby had me in AND THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN OFTEN I HOPE YOU KNOW, so your gonna have fucking hell to pay once your sluu's leave. Put me in a bad fucking mood, now your gonna pay for that. what the fuck ever, it's not my fault that your tiny brains can't comprehend the fact that I'ma bit different but not ABNORMAL because my personality defines who I am; tomboy, GAY & It's not like I don't have low self-esteem about my looks or weight ALREADY thanks. & ATLEAST the brother that I barely ever speak to for all of my 16 years, ACCEPTS ME and understands me more then MY OWN PARENTS like he said " she is who she is, if she likes the way she is then let her be why would you want to change her into somthing that YOU think fits best it's her life." THANK YOU. For once I actually think I liked my brother for that moment. FUCK OFF ALRIGHT? can't fucking wait til i move out, fucking bitchasses.

Can't..feel..my..legs T_T fuck it hurts. Can't believe I have to do this shit everyday FUCK YOU WORK FUCK YOUUUUUU! *fists* pretty good day at school : ) umm surprisinglyyy, did all my work was productiveeee uhh had some talks with shortshrimp<3 & iuno im still pondering in my little head I haven't spoken to you for a couple of days now & I understand it's because were both busy, however im afraid of losing touch & drifting the one thing that can keep me sane and actually think straight meh whatever. I hope I get to talk and see you soon =/ anywayss so I was so excited for my paycheque today and as I go to open it my face literally went from like :D to =T to =( LMFAO iuno I knew I wasn't going to get much but atleast $$$ =[ whatever money's money have to save it wiselyyy chyeaaa. so like I have a presentation 1m inute thing tommorow morning and i think it's utterly ridiculous and stupid so i'm just not going to attend, whatever i'll make up for it within my work ANYWHO i'm hungry my brother's girlfriend's little sisters made me some cupcakes :) i'm going to go enjoy them now. BOOM.

Lol you get mad at me over the littlest things you know that? I don't give a fuck if it's who you are or it's what your use too, if I fucking treat you right at least give me some kind of decent RESPECT. I wonder if you ever realized, every time your upset with me you ignore, block off, vindicate and twist my words while I have done nothing wrong. However when YOU fuck up, I forgive you within a heartbeat. I don't make you suffer, I never make you apologize because it's not something I want to hear. I love you. It's like a curse. whatever, get over it before I get over you alright? I Can't be your friend it's not an option, can't be your lover cause you don't let it become an option. either way, I lose. Fuck I hate school so much, & works a fucking drag I had to flipping carry, cut, rip open boxes heavy fucking lift weighting shit right there about 200 boxes each around 35 pounds or more? dead god i was so tired, fuck work -_- I just want my $$$ NOWWWWWWWW BITCHESS.

I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE. I'm starting to lose sight of the picture, it's getting blurry & it's getting vague. All these other girls..they surround me and yeah I guess I probably could get someone if i wanted too, but no. I'm still in love with you. Whenever your on the phone and it isn't me, whenever you go out and you remain them unknown whenever you don't pick up my calls. I get Worried and for a split second in my mind I have a doubt that it's HIM or some other guy your talking too, & I don't wanna doubt or accuse but baby am I ever gonna get a chance? Is he ever gonna leave you alone and stop dragging himself behind like a lost dog that has no guide to survival whom depends on your stable structure to keep him intact?. It's not fair he has his fucking chance now I need mine who am I kidding? really..I must be a total hopeless romantic. The fact that growing up the way I did, dysfunctional family it's like I live in a house with strangers. I don't even know my mothers birthday and I don't even know the last time I told my father I loved him, god knows he has so little time left. I remember when I was so little I'd wait every single day for 10:30pm to hit so my dad could walk in that door and I'd jump off the couch next to my mom run up to him and give him a huge hug. The smile I use to have on so bright, now I neglect them to the extent. They're lack of presence to nurture me and raise me right has given me the inability to love them or anyone else back, the fear terrifies me, & whenever I look "you" I think of it as my punishment, what a way to be referred as huh?. It's okay, you know why? cause; " you should never take life seriously, noone gets out alive anyways".

Fucked night?

SOOO Friday night was pretty fucked lol. Went clubbing with a buncha ppl I barely knew but s'all good they were nice guys. But god damm EAT BEFORE YOU CONSUME ALCOHOL -_- my girl natalie was drunk and 2 others were tipsy, we were running around the streets tryna chase down these girls so they don't get runned over! tryna find the cab and shit I flipped out so many times, all we needed to do was grab a cab was that so hard? all I wanted was for the whole night to be relaxing and have some fucking fun and this shit goes down?! urgh. So we finally got to the club they're tumbleing everywhere and the guys were so stiff! wouldn't even move. a couple hours later it got a bit better I ran into my girs that I haven't seen in SO long erika, diana etc <3.>reunion I danced it out with them and a bunch of other people I swear it was like a giant asian mafia in the corner ripping it to house music LOL but yeah the rest of the night was alright pretty good I met up with ______, I really miss her sometimes..If I hadn't fucked up so bad in the past *sigh..all well anyways I had to bring some girls in to dance with ;) the guys needed a bit of inspiration soo LOL but yeahh It was pretty fucked cause it was frustrateing taking care of drunk people but whatever, going home was the hard part fitting 11 people in a van, we walked miles just to call a cab in the end and the friggin brown taxi drivers are SO ANNOYING. Got home at 4am. woke up at 2pm. went to work at 5, had to work with my bitchy boss who seems to ALWAYS make me feel dumb and there were so little people working and it was a MESS I closed the store by myself I was so cheezed. NOW today time to get some chores done, do my homework then go out and chill with my homies that I haven't seen in awhile. Toodles hoes

so another day of boreing schoooooooooooooooool surprisingly, I went to all my classes and was actually pretty productive. At this moment I'm having a bogey. Honestly I'm pretty dissapointed in myself, I should have quit I need too, this is the last pack I swore to myself and many others. for fuck sakes my grandpa died from lung cancer & my dad aint doing so great either I sit and think sometimes, do I really want to die early 30's? fuck.whatever this time for sure it's going to my last 3 left. I seriously need to get my life straight. Enough skipping, it's my lst year gotta figure out what and where I'm going in life. I didn't go through 3 years of torment in high school just to come back an extra year to fuck it up all over again. Bleh I gotta continue my boring ass project now so BOREING realtalks. Talking to ... last night just made me realize I don't know, maybe I shouldn't try to bring it back. & I think my hearts already started to slowly cm by cm to let go. Move on it's hurt so much it just doesn't care anymore. I just don't think i'll be able to love anyonelse until I start to love myself first. So..what next?

Toooo's mofackin day. Another day of school, I actually wanted to be productive and get my shit done in peace today. Instead I have my friends bothering and lectureing me about all the positive and negative effects I bring upon myself because of the way I am. 1.) I'm sorry guys I know I'm a pretty sensetive and bummy person but I love who I am, I love that I'm able to give unconditional love and forgiveness because I believe someday, someones gonna love me just for who I am. 2.) I don't want to have to change myself to get a girl to like me, if assholes, cockyness and jerks are what you like then girl there's somthing wrong with you. Why would I want to be somthing, show someone a side of me that I'm not, thats misleading and later on it just wont be the person they fell for. 3.) Noone's ever gonna do you better then I ever can, see I know you've all been through it and everyone has different ways of mending and rebounding. However, I'm differen't a differen't you couldnt ever understand. So for now, I'll sit back take your words into consideration but sorry, if you dont like me for the way I am & you think I'm just wasteing my life. Thanks for careing but it's my life & I'd like to live it my way. I'm not gonna lie, Kayla you did make me think ALOT given me different perspectives and as much as I wish I could be that person..I'm not. God how life would be so much easier if I just didn't CARE. I had a some serious realtalks with Amanda today...she made me just believe in myself & gave me assurance & I thank you for that. Other then that I should start my homework focus on myself cause girls are just a distraction.

Alrighttty So I got up for school today, pretty early for once anddd, I went to my morning classes but skipped the afternoon because my friend from c.w was suppose to come visit and watch the volley ball team face my school. She came late so I waited and wasted a whole period but whatever it doesn't matter to me either way. Watched the game, juniors won but seniors lost. All well. Then I went to yorkdale with my friend Annice and met up with Helen, Naynay & shelley. Took apple pics and then I had to leave for work at 7. I am dead tired surprisingly went work by pretty quicker then usual So I was happy about that, still pretty bummed lately but I'm hearing some of my other friends are haveing 'boy' issues again, & god leave me out of it. Please. Anyways I need to start focusing on school SERIOUSLY. NO skipping the whole week & I gotta get all my missed assignments/work and project started & finished! I'm gonna go watch some t.v and knock the fuck out, Goodnight : )

mother fuck. Okay So I was writeing a blog before but the stupid internet deleted it all and now I have to re-write everything but whatever I'm so lazy right now I'm going to cut to the short version. So I was pretty excited about today, Only if I had known disaster was going to hit me all week. Went to work at 2, tiring and boreing but I got through it. Was suppose to have a double date with my cousin and our ting tings, so at 6. I waited, 15mins..30..45 I waited practically an hour for this girl. My cousin and her date came already and I felt bad for making them wait I looked like a fucking idiot and such a loser. Shit, Like if you didn't want to come or if you werent taking me seriously just fucking SAY IT shit girls honestly, your just hurting us by leading us on and then dropping us like NOTHING. Honestly, Do I have like a " I LIKE BITCHES " or " WALK ALL OVER ME " and " FUCK ME OVER " sign tattooed on my forhead or some shit? cause thats all i've been fucking attracting lately. ugh so done with girls for awhile, like my newly made friend today said " Trust Noone " touche my friend. I must agree. Now other then that, whatever I brushed it off, we went to go eat and watched saw 6 holy mother it was soo groosome and disgusting but awesomee. Now I'm home with a major headache, hiccups and more heartbreak. God I'm gonna be so miserable at school tommorow. Anyways, Goodnight.

*sigh. So I was actually pretty fucking excited today. I went to work at 2, tired and boring but I got through it. I was suppose to go on a double date with my cousin and 2 of our tings. So, guess what happens from there?. My cousin and her date show up, 15mins..30..45 i practically waited a fucking hour for this girl. No show. I made myself look like an idiot asking link/txting people to see if they knew where she was. Nowhere to be found, don't get me wrong if you had an actual real reason then fine whatever, what's done is done. But bitch if you stood me up on purpose then fuck off. I thought you were different, Like my newly met friend today said, " don't trust noone " straight. I need to stop fucking putting myself out there so much, whatever jnf girls are just so corrupt, holy fuck. Yeah I'm sure there are lots of people all around the city who are just as messed but realtalks your area is just negative and a bad vibe. So whatever, we still watched saw 6, soo groosome nasty but awesomeee. Go watch it. Anyways I'm home now, my head hurts and I have hiccups, time to go lay in bed and think about how miserable I'm going to be at school tommorow. Goodnight.

So for halloween I went uptown to see a friend, it was her 1 year anni with her boyfriend. They seemed really happy, had dinner I didn't eat though surprising I know. Then we watched Law Abiding citizen I give it 2 thumbs up it was extremely interesting and exciteing. He gave her a $500 hello kitty ring, the one she had on her wishlist I'm happy to see her smile just makes me think alot. Then afterwards I went to a small get together at a friends house in jnf. People were already drunk when I got there and quite frankly I didnt wanna get fucked up so I stayed sober just 2 shots and a beer, 5 ciggerettes and I was good. I met a couple new people but that night was kind of fucked at the same time, this 26 year old girl Amanda, she was nice and all but she kept hitting on me which made me really uncomfortable then the host's boyfriend had knocked out and right when he does she jumps onto this next guys dick like wtf? noone would say anything but that was fucking wrong, how you gon make out this with guy while your boyfriend is knocked the fuck out in YOUR bedroom wooow. & don't lie to yourself buddy, your clearly sober by that time. I don't know, I guess it really bothered me because what matters to me the most Most MOST in a relationship, is Loyalty. Ah, whatever that was my halloween, I hear my friends had awesome time doing there own things, wether that be juiceing and jamming or bonfireing hope you guys had fun. I had a good night's sleep though hopeing for better days guys. Enjoy the rest of your weekends.

Gotta change my life..I've matured too fast it's like I never had a childhood. All I ever knew was pain, I look around & I see my friends all happy enjoying themselves as I watch them change, mend and drift. I'm still standing here, it's the same thing everytime..is this my punishment?..Why give a life if all I want is for it to end. Maybe I shouldn't put my heart into everything because eventually " everyone " leaves. I just need some type of closure, I can't worry about you anymore, I have to let go. I have to realize my friends today, won't be 5 years from now. So as much as I'll miss everything I have now, please don't expect me to be there for you because when I needed someone, not one of you were there for me. People are selfish, once they think they've found 'love' in another, that's all that matters. & maybe at one time I could have understood that, that's all I've ever wanted for my friends. Just to see them happy, even when I was slowly dying inside. That's why I've kept my mouth shut and watch their smile brighten while my heart would crack a little more each and every single day. I ask myself, why.. When is it my turn to be happy? How much longer before I can finally fucking have a ending. Don't depend on anyone but yourself, because in the end that's all you'll ever have. Baby, I loved you with everything I had, everyonelse saw it, except you. So thank you, for breaking me, making me and helping me become the future me. After everything we've been through and your able to just walk away from me so EASILY like I was never apart of your life, live it for yourself while I'm sinking slowly to the bottom of the ocean. I finally realized I never needed you to save me, I'll float back up to surface myself, cause baby, you were just drowning me.