Good To You (8)

Seems like its the same shit, just a different year every year. Nothing ever seems to measure up, I'm not prepared for life. Getting that loneliness feeling again, welcome back. I've missed you. You should never change yourself for someone & you should never expect someone to change for you. Maybe this person isn't what you've dreamed about or hoped for, their not the perfect 'guy' or 'girl' that doesn't live up to your expectations. The whole point is to see if you can accept them for all the complications and imperfections the purpose is to be happy with all of these flaws. It maybe be difficult now and maybe it won't even work out at all, maybe it was all a waste of time and effort and who gives a fuck about being optimistic, be real do what makes you happy be with who lifts you up and obviously, if all is said and done and you still can't see yourself being with this person, then it's clear that maybe you shouldn't keep things dragging on. & if you can, congrats, appreciate what you have and cherish the moments that shine. Don't ever regret the things that have once made you smile.

And now I do, want you to know I hold you up above everyone
And I do, want you you to know
I think you'd be good to me and I'd be so good to you..

So please don't waste my time.

Shut it down (8)

I'm tired of everyone & everything. I understand why now, everyones trying to do them. & i'm not mad at anyone or anything because they have there reasons, if anything i envy the fact that they realize it before me. Realized that you can't depend or rely on anyone in this life. It's a dog eat dog world, anyone will drop you if necessay, yeah it sucks and it hurts but thats what people do. They think about themselves first, and its absoloutley the smartest thing anyone can admit. So from here on, I don't care about anyonelses drama cause buddy I got my own. I dont care about anyonelses happiness, cause I finally need to work on myself. I don't care if here and there people make mistakes and fuck you over because nobody's perfect. & all i know is, I'm imperfect and I'm gonna love myself before I love anyonelse. I love my friends, or whats left of them I appreciate everything but I guess it's time to go our seperate ways. Memories fade but the feeling lasts a lifetime.

Should I..?

I've made up my mind,
No need to think it over,
If i'm wrong I aint right,
No need to look no further,
This ain't lust, i know
This is love but,

If i tell the world,
I'll never say enough,
Cause it was not said to you,
And thats exactly what i need to do,
If i'm in love with you,

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

I'd build myself up,
And fly around in circles,
Wait then as my heart drops,
and my back begins to tingle
finally could this be it

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

Betrayl.

Don't know what's right or wrong? what you did was wrong. & If I decide to forgive you guys or not will be up to me, Friends use to come with a meaning but I was right the whole time at the back of my head, Trust noone but yourself but even then sometimes I fear what I might do. People make mistakes but it doesnt mean that they should be given an automatic chance, I use to believe anyone can deserve another chance DEPENDING if the giver believes they do. However right now, I don't even think I can look at anyone, talk to anyone or trust anyone. It might not have been a big deal to you guys or in anyonelses eyes, but it definatley hurt me badly. Never have I thought I'd go through this, Loyalty is everything and lately I've been thinking I've been giving it out way to easily. to Forgive & Forget is a lot to ask of me, now you have to live up to your consequences, If you think about it, you'll only lose a friend I've lost a bestfriend.

It's about me.

I wanna make myself happy for once, no matter how selfish I have to be.

iyiyi

I don't know what to do, I don't know who to be, I don't know who I am anymore.

When did I get so LOST.

Never have high hopes, or any expectations for anybody. you'll just end up dissapointed and that is worse then not knowing at all.

Last chapter.

Here end the lesson, rip the pages and burn the Book.

it's alright.. It's okay it might get better one day..

I guess I was just another chapter in another book. Feels like the same role, just different lines. & the plot, it all ends the same. I'm the climax and then comes the pain.

When all you want is for the past to stay back & move on.

I honestly can't wait until school ends. Some things and people I'm Really not going to miss. I just wanna move on with my life, journey begins. Training wheels come off, off I go.

What's & If ' s

Don't ever live your life leaving things left unsaid, because trust me, Regret is one thing that never leaves your side. No matter how much time passes by.

DUNNOEEE

yaooo guess who's finally certified to drive now bitches ; ) MUAHAHAHA. I can drive legally now without any yelling and bitching beside me telling me im doing this wrong and that right blahblah : ) now I just gotta save up for a car brooooo ^_^ getting there. Accomplishing my goals slowly. ehehhe things are looking up : 0 for now.. dun dun dun

eyes, heart & mind set . $$

PROM! PROM! PROM! PHONE! PHONE! PHONE! CAR! CAR! CAR! $$$

When..

When everything's Changed and nothing stays the Same, flip the next page and make a bigger and better memorable chapter.

I guess eathquakes can shake us.

Just remember your actions caused what comes next. & I'm done being patient and understanding.

i heart House music

Can't wait for school to be done withhhhhh ! , anticipating thursday niggas :D I'm slowly accomplishing the things I want. & thats all that matters, I gotta remember that it's me myself & I in the end. Gotta do me, don't needa worry bout the little things like other people anymore. It's called responsibility and growing up. On another note I'm kinda getting excited for Prom : ) next week friday dawgs. 9 days brooo. shiiiit I gotta get my outfit THIS weekend!, lots of work to doooo shake that money makerrrrr. Anyways, the blistering heat is killing me, I'm literally dying inside and out T_T I hate the sun, i hate the heat I just wanna curl into a ball under a giant tree with shade T_T *sigh, Anyways theres a lot of things I not only WANT but WILL do I dont give a fuckkkkkkkk no time to loaft and be lazy bitches! this is our YEAR, hit the beaches in the day, hit the clubs at night ; ) ya'll know how we doo. Anyways im outskii niggass hopefully the next entry will be more about me moving forward in life.

fucking thieves.

I swear I feel like my family is really cursed with badluck. Everyone has financial problems yeah but im not everybodyelse, and it's pretty dam important and gets to me when were having money issues or what not. I always tell myself to save up and help out and prepare myself for the future and what not. Yet I can't even decide on a career, I cant even save for the life of me. I tell myself to be a better person, but for some reason I always stray from being that person. As many times as I say I dislike this and that and them, This guilty feeling in my gut just wants to DO somthing. & honestly, it may take a long time and a lot of work but I need motivation and inspiration in my life to keep my word, because I'm not a kid anymore, growing up time starts Now.

List

- Just fucking Graduate. Get it over with

- Stabely start and commit to a 'healthy lifestyle change' in otherwords, stop being a fatass.

- Handle two jobs and save up 3/4.

- Help pay off house bills, my own bills constantly.

- Save up for future college tuition.

- Buy a car.

It's like a fucking rollercoaster.

Same shit different day, if your gonna read this, don't expect me to explain it to you afterward, because its pretty much self-explanatory and I have no answers for you. The same fights it's recurrent almost everyday now. I'm not saying I'm fed up with you or this relationship. It's just unnecessary, wasteful and tiring . Always having to argue my way through, I' m not saying I'm the perfect idealist boyfriend or whatever, I yell I cuss and I'll act like a jerk when I'm mad . but at least I give 2 damns. Why the fuck do we have such a hard time handling situations and cant agree, act stubborn and always try to take the easy way escape. We have our ups and downs, were not perfect but we do need A LOT of work. I gotta see a lot more from you in order to see a bit more of me. I'm trying here, but when can I give up trying and actually make it work?

You let Me know.

Everybody falls in love sometimes (8)

" Wanna know how to hurt someone? Don't think about them. "

Eenie Meenie

" You can't help who you fall in love with. "

If you don't get it I'm not going to explain it to you.

Life's all about Money.
Your either working for it,
Killing for it,
Or F u c k i n g for it.

It's time.

you've had the best of me. You had your fair share, & you never cared. If you really think about it, you probably even deny that anything ever happend between us or that it didnt mean anything. But you know what? good. because that's exactly what i'm doing. You don't matter because you didn't give me a third of what I gave you. I'm done talking about you, don't feel nice, you don't even cross my mind anymore.

To make it work, I have to free my heart of your tight grasp, and ill fight with every being to prove to you that it'll be you in the end, the one who cares for me and deeply shows their affection for me. Even if its hard at times, fighting all the time having our complications, but that's life. So, whatever it takes that's what I'll do to assure you, please don't doubt me and be patient with me. It'll be alright soon enough.

Can't wait.

I can't believe after all the shit you pulled me through. FUCK your shit. Why did I ever stumble upon a person like you. You never wanted me, or us. & obv I don't wanna hurt anybody but you did mean so much to me, and I fucking HATE you for everything you've done and are doing now. It's like you waited for me to find somebody else so you can go on and be happy with HIM. I honestly can say I wish I never met you. I wish I never fell for you. I wish I never knew you. I can't WAIT for the day I hate you. I fill my heart with hate and darkness, all dedicated to you. The only reason why you can only still break my heart and make me cry is because everything you said was lies, everything we had was bullshit. I'm mad at MYSELF for being so blind and stupid. & It's time I forgive myself and bury you down into the deepest hole in the center of the earth.

& I hate myself because I have somebody who gives there all to me, and I'm afraid to even open up. & it's all because of the way you badly hurt me. I'M SCARED. It's so unfair to her and myself. I need to let you go, I'm gonna erase you from my life.


your just a walking reminder of something I never had.

man oh man.

*sigh there's so much I wanna say. But theres so much that I'm restricted too. You know how you miss things when it's gone, and no I don't mean partners wise. Just the old times, memories, expierences just all the good times passing by . I miss a lot of them, and as much as I try to create new and more exciteing ones, it just never seems to work out. Things are different now, slowly changeing, it's hard. it hurts. All you can do is go with it. Certain things have their advantages and there disadvantages, and your always ALWAYS gonna want the things you CAN'T have. The day you can honestly say that;

''you can take a single glance at someone who you've terribly loved and hurt and not feel a THING, that'll be the day you know you've finally moved on.'' - yours truly.

grrrrrrawr

don't do this again -_- get your act straight mann, focus focus focus! school + money = priorities.
babe & da homes = necessities. That's all that matters.

99th day.

It was on the 99th day that I realized. & for a moment I thought I could have been ready, but no. It was too soon. Despite all the arguments and stupid fights we get into, it's always made up because nothing that small or stupid can interefere, however It does build up, constantly. It's tireing and how can you really handle that, some may wonder. I adore the way she fits into my arms, and how we can fall asleep anywhere as long as we're together. Her Smile, soft skin the way she grips onto me. How I run my fingers through her hair, I love the feeling that SHE feels safe with me. It's like being called Superman. But sometimes, just SOMETIMES it gets really hard, the reason why people are stubborn, insecure and stuck is because of past experiences, always, always. If you've had your trust bond broken before, your wall only expands higher and wider beyong the horizons, and it makes it difficult for anew to b r e a k it d o w n, its unfair but that's how it is. The saying how it goes 'Sometimes - we build a wall, not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to knock them down' I really really hope it's you. I truly do.

Main Concerns

TOP NECESSITIES.

1. Save up for Prom/NY shopping.
2. Get glasses
3. New Phone

happy 3 months..?

It's like karma just struck me right in the chest, in a moments notice, everything can be taken away from you. Just like that, everything changes and it'll never be the same. It's too hard, no matter how selfish you want to be you can't. You gotta look beyond yourself and say this is how it has to be, for your sake, mines and theirs. No matter how heart wrenching, you have to give her up, and let her go.

Up

Baby, we can go nowhere but up, from here my dear.

nom nom nom ;

yay so baby's coming home from cali today FINALLY! shit son. Board your ass on the plane, better get home safely. Anyways this week has been HEEECCCCTIIICCCCCC like NOOO lie omfbuddha. lack of sleep, exhaustion, slacking, piles of assignments but whatever its stress im use to it i'll deal with it. Um work is alrighhttt, gotta list of the PRIORITY things that must be bought and over with!has been loafting for toooooo long grrr. There was a moment when I was kinda mia from ppl and ppl were mia from me, how lonesome, sucks but w.e everyones got there ting but aint gonna change anything they're still my girls . But yea lots of things to save up for thats gonna burn a hole in my pocket BUT it'll be worth it, im excited >: D BUAHAHAHA. Anyways Imma go watch some criminal minds, hop in bed wait for her to call me and

Begining

Working Towards ANEW.

Day1

SOO baby's off to Cali : ( boohoo, bitch gets to have fun while I stay here and do my daily routines, all well. Hope she has fun, but not too much ; ). Time to get my social life back on track LOL , works gonna kill me mannnn zero sleep + 9 hours shift, fuck.my.fucking.life realtalks. AHHHH anyways, im hungry im thinking about making breakfest or somthing, pray for my soul today guys. Anyways, time to go fb creep : ) MORNING!

When is it Enough?

I'm sick and tired of the Apologies. No more.

doodoodododoo

Been m.i.a for awhilee, slaacking. Guess I haven't had much to say lately. Life isn't complicated, we just make situations into hardships that effect our overal goal. Look at the bigger picture, what do you want in life. How are you going to get there. What makes you happy. Who matters, who doesnt. Full of questions, blank answers. My life is undecided, stressful but simple. Education is key, although I don't know which door to open. Happiness comes from love, it's a long way to get there, maybe this whole time I never really knew what love actually is, were still all very young kids in a big world thinking we know it all. Savouring the moments of our youths. It's terrifying, growing up. Just the other day I was in a corner playing with puzzles and cubed blocks.. Time flies by. I wanna be the best for you, no matter how much heartache and pressure you put on my shoulders. Truth is, all I wanna do is succeed to prove to myself and you that I'm not a burden that I can make it in life now matter how much I DISPISE YOU, you are my parents and I know they're suffering and have suffered to survive for my brother and I. Though that doesn't give you a pass on skipping out throughout my whole life transformation of growing. That, I did on my own. My life is boring, Routines are boring I'm boring. I need Excitment, I need the rush I crave to feel ALIVE. I'm just a tiny hermit crab trying to find my way in the vast ocean, just sitting on a patch of pure grained soft sand, clawing my way through on the expansion of the unknown obsticles the beach may cover.

So,Am I Happy? ..

Feb/20/2010/

& it's Always going to be my fault, no Matter which way.

Feeeel Aliveee (8)

As much as we want things to stay the same as much as possible, everyday of every minute even every second. We're all changeing. Everything is. The only way for it to benefit you is to go Along with it and adjust it into a situation that'll make every difference in everyones lives. Scary, but at the same time intrigueing. Anyways, hope everyones making it in there own sense. 10 more days of the month and lots more to do and attend to. me & the miss are doing well, me & the friends are rocking the boat still missing'em losers. Families same as usual. Had a nice nap and time to do homework now =.=

Long weekend

This weekend has been the best in a verrrrrrry long time : ). Had a good time chillin wit babee on fridayy, on saturday went downtown semi shopping with , kelloct + me and my girl, kelly found her dress but we're still searching on our outfits, then we watched valentines day (y) it was cute , overall pretty good : ) still needa watch dear john! grr. Anyways, today was valentines day + chinese new year. no $$$ but lots of love : ) , met up with baby , I had to go buy some roses then meet her at downsview, she had a big box lugging it around with her everywhere, wouldnt let me touch it >: ( I had a feeling I knew what it was though lmaoo anyways so we got back to my placee, chilled I finally got to open it and it wass..ICE CREAM CAKE ! yayyyyy I was craving it for so longgg god thats some good shit <3 so then I gave her roses and her little valentines card. We chilled at my place for a couple of hours then we bussed back downtown to eat at my favourite sushi place FINALLY after HOW many failed attempts lmao. The service was horrible though, even if it was busy our waitress barely checked up on us 3/4 of the time we were waiting on food I swear. Then we bussed back up, I walked her home in the freezing cold and waited for my bus for over an hour but w.e it dont matter not tryna get it to ruin my day todayyy. Got home and now I'm just chillin eating more Ice cream cake while listening to baby sing karaoke with her family because there having a famjam, hehe so cute. Anywho, happy holidays DUDES & DUDETTES (y)

idiots.

I LOVE how you can't say SHIT to me and try to cover it up. I don't give a shit, I'm tired of your shit I can't WAIT to leave this place. Just a couple more years. If your afraid to ask me about my sexuality that's your problem, but I don't fucking appreciate you making it sound like a SIN or shameful, your my PARENTS do you know how to BE one though? It never gets old how I can't stand your guts, It's pathetic. Nah, what's more pathetic is me sitting here bitching and expressing my feelings when you guys are up there, still don't dare to face me and leaving the situation to a complete blank. Piss.Me.Off On another note, I went to go check out my bro's new place, its actually really nice and decent and especially for the price they're going for, happy for them : ).

Charlie Bit my Fingaaaaa

soOoOo Lazy right now. Quick bloggy, ummm lotta new changes some good some bad, more or less. UHHH lets see school bores the fuck out of me, as usual. So much shit going on this month! it's driving me crazy trying to manage my money to spend on which day and how much for what stuff and blahblah lord. So broke god dam, anywho umm tad bumpy with the gee, interferance starting to bug me but whatever I'll control it. Familys fine, I guess house is so empty now that everyone's busy doing their own thing. Neeeed moree shiftssss for $$ UGH can't stress that enough. Seems like I haven't chilled with any of my bitches for soo long ! gotta work on that soon, of course that's if they made time for me ALSO. Anywho other than that, im hungry again. Gonna find a snack and lay in bed and do some thinkingg, later days.

02/07/10

Everything's been good so far. I just hope I can keep this attitude and positive vibe up. I've been so cranky and grumpy lately, taking it out on you. I apologize a million times but it still doesn't make it acceptable. I know my, sensitive, bi-polar, emotional insecure ass can be a handful most of the time and it's incredible you can even handle it LOL. However, I always told myself and others that whenever the right chicky comes along i'd treat her to the best of my abilities because I know I'm a proper catch, not trynna be cocky or nothing. Although lately I know its been a bit bumpy but I swear as soon as I get my act straight I will focus on improving on us, but for now I'm just hopeing I don't push you away too far. Wish you'd stay as close as possible babe. Anyways so much to do this month, so much coming up :D I can't wait, but holyyyyy going out = $$ and right now I'm trying my hardest to scronge up as much flow as possible to pay for everything LOL but it's okay I've managed to control my budget schedule and it's allll good to go. Other than that yes I can't wait for a lot of things happening in the next 2/3 weeks hehehe. Anyways, I liookkee her. : )

01/31/2010 1:53pm.

Your worth the pain, you only push them away because your afraid to hurt them, but im not scared to get hurt, its inevitable. Your caring and unselfish, sweet and nonjudgmental. If I was to put my hope into anyone, it would be you. Your sensitive and full of feelings, and I think that just makes you amazing. Yeah, never say never, but were different. - KT

This is why I'm with her. & this is why, all the others couldn't. They never saw me, treated me and accepted me as truly appreciative as you have. iADOREher.

Fly away (8)

Sometimes I feel like I should just run away,
but im strong so I think imma stay
and everyonelse seems to be okay
and one day one day one day imma just fly away.
They say good things dont last,
and bad things don't stay,
with my pain make lemonade
I walk around like im remagade
but the truth of the matter is I been afraid.

Away from you.

Love MUST be blind because honestly I don't know what the fuck I saw in you. God, I just can't bitch about you enough. I hate that I can become so weak around you, still after everything I've been through, we've been through you STILL haven't changed. your selfish, you aint gon change for anyone. It's disgusting how self-centered you are. You hypocrite, naive, angry, hateful and conniving person. I would have loved you no matter what way. But holy fuck, everyone has their limits, you? you just don't know when to fucking stop. Give it a rest, grow up the fuck up honestly. Don't accuse other people of being childish when you can't even get over yourself and become the bigger person for once. I'm stupid for ever thinking we would ever settle our differences. what I hate the MOST, is that you'll always be in my heart I'll always love you no matter what. It makes me fucking cry.

lalalala

It's beeeeen bleh, lol. So far everythings on steady boat for now. Exam week was a effing bitch, but I'm glad its done and over with! yessss semester 2 beginsss. Even though I'm glad to hear people this and that getting accepted to colleges and universities they applied for it brings a sudden disspointment in my heart, I still don't know where I'm going in life or if I'll even make it, makes my soul shiver. I wish I could be more leanet on my parents, It's not like I want to rebel against them on purpose, there are reasons why it's like this in my family. *sigh, all I ever wanted was a happy, loving careing family. Anyways, works been loaaaaaaafting on shifts mannn, I'm broke as hell and they're not exactly throwing oppertunitie at me right now, who knew January would be the slowest month? anyways hopefully this month will pick up! umm haven't really spent a lot of time on the girls lately, everyones doing their own thing and it was a hectic week last week so. hopefully they'll be more time with them sooon. Waiting on valentines&semi : ) , don't know if any clubs are coming up with events for February. Nontheless, I'd say lifes coming up as pretty decent right now, : ) yay. *sigh .. still lots to think about..

sigh

I feel a drift, and a pull I just don't know which rope to grab onto..

Life Schedule.

February

1st - baby comes over
2nd - 1 month & work
3rd -
4th - paycheck : )
5th - visited babe
6th - babe came over
7th - yd window shopping / baby
8th - visit gf
9th - work
10th - deposit
11th - visit
12th - p.a day / see baby + chill with monkey&chris ( -35 )
13th - semi shopping/birthday or chill - $15 (avoid spending at all)
14th - valentines day - $50
15th - family day
16th - baby gets contacts
17th - baby picks outfit + I have work
18th - happy birthday vanessa & paycheck
19th - buy semi tickets - $70
20th - vanessa's birthday celeberation - $15
21st - my own semi shopping - $50-70?
22nd
23rd
24th
25th
26th - happy birthday erika & diana & semi formal
27th - twins birthday plans - $35
28th



Total= $285 depending.

stupidity

I don't wanna hurt anyone..

ugh eatggwruhrktmryks

Why am I getting so mad over the little things? Like I can't control my emotions. It's ridiculous, it gets to the point where my thoughts consume me and are pulled to sides of negativity, anger consumes me and all I wanna do is hurt someone, something, myself. Wtf is going on, Get over it.

Time

how much longer do I have to compromise myself to please others ...

fags

so I EMBARASS YOU?! wow, have you guys seen yourselves lately? your pathetic and I wouldnt even mention you guys are my guardians. God, im so sick of your shit EVERYDAY, EVERYTIME it's the same shit over and over, grow the fuck up. I look the way I do, I dress they way i like to and I am who I wanna be. so grow some fucking balls and act like your age, because yeah im so low that i change my style and the way I look JUST so i can embarass you, yeah okay there don't boost yourselves. Although I'm glad it makes you mad, it enlightens me. fuck off, I didn't care what you guys thought in the begining and I sure as hell don't give a shit now. : )

Forever

In a way, Baby your just like me. I'm sorry you feel so alone, I'll try my best til the end to prove to you Forever does last, just like i said it did 5 years ago. The farther you push me, the closer I wanna get. Someday, one day. It'll be your day to shine.. & I'll be right beside you, watching you embrace it.

Hypocrite, Dissapoitment, Pathetic, unbelievable and Shameful.

=)

You Really are the most Prestigious, Magnificant, Beautiful and caring person I've ever known. I adore you.

Doing the best of my ability to restrain myself. don't fuck up.

New Year, New Me.

I wanna thank all my homiess, been through the roughs with me. ups and downs, struggles and f a l l s. I was never happy, which made me miserable to everything surrounding me. That's noones fault, New resolutions were stupid to me, it's gonna be the same shit just a new date. But really, I wasn't happy because I wasn't letting myself. I am now, or I will be atleast, lots of things are looking up right now, there's a lot of reasons why too but mainly because I just deserve it this time. Been through a helllaaa lot wit my girls, damm looking back on the years fuck we changed ALOT LOL its amazing. So, for the rest of my highschool months, and years to come, I love my friends who are like family to me I'm gonna enjoy every little bit of stupidness the comes flying out our mouths, the arguments that make absoloutley no sense nor point LOL As for the past, it's called history for a reason and I'm sure as hell not going to repeat it. I loved, lost and hurt. Your ALWAYS Always always going to be my First baby, and I'm ALWAYS going to look out for you but your never gonna want me the way I wanted you, and I'm okay with that. I'll do my best to keep you happy, a smile on your face and keep you out of harms way, same with all the rest of my loved ones. Happy new Years guys, I'm finally embracing life :)