I've never felt so more alone in my life up untill this week. Don't know, been getting these mysterious feelings lately, As if something I should be looking out for as If something tragic is about to hit me. It's like Anger, Jealousy, Deceit, Happiness, Loneliness, Love and Fear are all jumbled and has sunk and ducked inside my stomach to the bottom of my core. It's aggitateing and it's like a suspense feeling one where you can't wait to see what happens but your senses are clouded, blank slate & you have no idea what's about to pop out infront of you and slam into your face. It worries me. However there are other things that have been keeping me dissapointed I assume, Feels like I have nobody left, everyones gone onto there own little worlds & noone makes an effort to keep eachothers friendship abundant. Whether that be because of boyfriends, girlfriends, partying, drinking or going out, new ones enter old ones are left under. I don't know I never would have complained before, I'm use to just being me on my own doing my thing but it's just sad because what I've expected to happen & what I've predicted to happen, is happening. What a shame. It's okay it's better off this way, I'm not down to talk about feelings and problems anymore. I wan't my life to start, my happiness to unveal.

I don't wanna fight this war anymoreee (8)

You know it kills me to be the person I am sometimes. I wish I wasn't so emoctionally available sometimes, I wish I didn't have to be afraid to ask who your with, who your talking to or what's on your mind. However because of the situation were in, I am limited to the things I can ask about. ugh I can't even say I'm angry or I'm sad or I'm hurt or even when I'm jealous which is often because I have no recollection of what your up too. *sigh It gets really, realllyyyyyy hard with each day that passes by every week its like a new mood we're good & happy and then something happens or I feel this slight doubt and it blows up & we ignore each other for 5 days. Is it always going to be like this? I hope not. I've been thinking about our conversation last night, all dayyyyyy todayy.. I would love to bring you but I don't think thats the case for you. It really hurt but I didn't say anything..but I wonder, if HE asked you..would you say yes?.. I can't stand this How much longer? " she finally gave up. she dropped the fake [ smile ] as a tear ran down her cheek she whispered to herself I can't do this [ a n y m o r e ]. Please don't leave me to be that person at the end, and the funny thing is, you wanna know what I think? Have you ever really thought about it?...there's this girl, she'd do anything for you, & for SOME reason, you dont want to see it BUT you know it's there..& you know she's P E R F E C T for you, & THAT scrares the HELL out of you. Doesn't it.?

CONTINUATION

I just realized something. When I saw you today, I was so mesmerized it was like dejavu remincseing the first time I saw you. 11 months ago, God how gorgeous I think you are, It made me remember how and why I fell in love with you in the first place and as I was waiting for you after nightschool today, sitting and wondering to myself & I felt tingly and it was like my stomach was in knotts and baby, did you know I still get butterflies from talking and even seeing you? haha after all this time you still make my legs jitter and my h e a r t r a c e I love that feeling, It was like I fell for you ALL OVER AGAIN.

UGH

WELLLLLLLL I woke up 10 minutes later then my usual alarm should have gone offfff, called baby right awayyy and then rushed to get readyy I had to skip breakfest boohoo & which btw made me grumpy and hungry during the whole morning sigh. Umm School was boreing, I've been skipping a lot lately so I'm not use to getting up early in the morning and just sitting there while my brain melted I learn absoloutely NOTHING I swearrrr. So hmmm finally after that tortoure was done and over withhhhhhh I went home played some games and called baby to wake her up at 5 from her nap so she could get ready for night school =) her bb was being a douchee. Went to go wait for her @ Emery and walked her to class <3 Then I bussed home she put me in a really good mood =) then only to find my parents had old people= "company" over. I went straight to my room and being the ignorant and naive stupid bitches they are what do I hear? THEM talking shit about me. EVERY FUCKING TIME I don't know if this is like a fkin asian parent retardism or some defect but are you fucking stupid to talk shit about your child and ESPEACIALLY when I can fucking hear you. You think Imma just sit here and take it in? are you blem? I'm not the fucking little kid I was anymore, alright I'm a young adult and you better start realizing that I'm different and I thank GOD everyday that I'm NOTHING like you. Fuck your shit, you run your mouth I won't just sit and pretend to ignore it I walk downstairs and guess what? they got nothing to say now, room is dead silent tryna talk all sweet and shit. Yeah, thats what I fucking thought. Shut your fucking mouths before I deck you in your ugly teeth. YOUR fucking faces just ruined the happy mood baby had me in AND THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN OFTEN I HOPE YOU KNOW, so your gonna have fucking hell to pay once your sluu's leave. Put me in a bad fucking mood, now your gonna pay for that. what the fuck ever, it's not my fault that your tiny brains can't comprehend the fact that I'ma bit different but not ABNORMAL because my personality defines who I am; tomboy, GAY & It's not like I don't have low self-esteem about my looks or weight ALREADY thanks. & ATLEAST the brother that I barely ever speak to for all of my 16 years, ACCEPTS ME and understands me more then MY OWN PARENTS like he said " she is who she is, if she likes the way she is then let her be why would you want to change her into somthing that YOU think fits best it's her life." THANK YOU. For once I actually think I liked my brother for that moment. FUCK OFF ALRIGHT? can't fucking wait til i move out, fucking bitchasses.

Can't..feel..my..legs T_T fuck it hurts. Can't believe I have to do this shit everyday FUCK YOU WORK FUCK YOUUUUUU! *fists* pretty good day at school : ) umm surprisinglyyy, did all my work was productiveeee uhh had some talks with shortshrimp<3 & iuno im still pondering in my little head I haven't spoken to you for a couple of days now & I understand it's because were both busy, however im afraid of losing touch & drifting the one thing that can keep me sane and actually think straight meh whatever. I hope I get to talk and see you soon =/ anywayss so I was so excited for my paycheque today and as I go to open it my face literally went from like :D to =T to =( LMFAO iuno I knew I wasn't going to get much but atleast $$$ =[ whatever money's money have to save it wiselyyy chyeaaa. so like I have a presentation 1m inute thing tommorow morning and i think it's utterly ridiculous and stupid so i'm just not going to attend, whatever i'll make up for it within my work ANYWHO i'm hungry my brother's girlfriend's little sisters made me some cupcakes :) i'm going to go enjoy them now. BOOM.

Lol you get mad at me over the littlest things you know that? I don't give a fuck if it's who you are or it's what your use too, if I fucking treat you right at least give me some kind of decent RESPECT. I wonder if you ever realized, every time your upset with me you ignore, block off, vindicate and twist my words while I have done nothing wrong. However when YOU fuck up, I forgive you within a heartbeat. I don't make you suffer, I never make you apologize because it's not something I want to hear. I love you. It's like a curse. whatever, get over it before I get over you alright? I Can't be your friend it's not an option, can't be your lover cause you don't let it become an option. either way, I lose. Fuck I hate school so much, & works a fucking drag I had to flipping carry, cut, rip open boxes heavy fucking lift weighting shit right there about 200 boxes each around 35 pounds or more? dead god i was so tired, fuck work -_- I just want my $$$ NOWWWWWWWW BITCHESS.

I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE. I'm starting to lose sight of the picture, it's getting blurry & it's getting vague. All these other girls..they surround me and yeah I guess I probably could get someone if i wanted too, but no. I'm still in love with you. Whenever your on the phone and it isn't me, whenever you go out and you remain them unknown whenever you don't pick up my calls. I get Worried and for a split second in my mind I have a doubt that it's HIM or some other guy your talking too, & I don't wanna doubt or accuse but baby am I ever gonna get a chance? Is he ever gonna leave you alone and stop dragging himself behind like a lost dog that has no guide to survival whom depends on your stable structure to keep him intact?. It's not fair he has his fucking chance now I need mine who am I kidding? really..I must be a total hopeless romantic. The fact that growing up the way I did, dysfunctional family it's like I live in a house with strangers. I don't even know my mothers birthday and I don't even know the last time I told my father I loved him, god knows he has so little time left. I remember when I was so little I'd wait every single day for 10:30pm to hit so my dad could walk in that door and I'd jump off the couch next to my mom run up to him and give him a huge hug. The smile I use to have on so bright, now I neglect them to the extent. They're lack of presence to nurture me and raise me right has given me the inability to love them or anyone else back, the fear terrifies me, & whenever I look "you" I think of it as my punishment, what a way to be referred as huh?. It's okay, you know why? cause; " you should never take life seriously, noone gets out alive anyways".